My haze.

Have you ever felt like you're moving, speaking, eating, working in a haze?  Like you know that life is happening all around you but somehow, you can't engage it?  Like you realize that all it might take to get out of it might be one small change but you just can't find the energy to do it?   My haze has been going for several weeks now and I can't decide how to get out.  There are some major changes coming to my life but right now I'm in a holding pattern.  With no students this semester, there is still much work to do but also plenty of time for reflection and waxing philosophical - something I'm doing far too much of it would seem.  But my haze seems to be deep and real, as opposed to shallow and quick like they usually are.

I am completely and totally exhausted - in every possible way.  Physically - I've been sick for the better part of a year.  Most of it hasn't been huge, life-altering sickness.  But chronic sinusitis and ear infection number 7 (which I was diagnosed with this week) make for a weak girl.  I want to work out but I literally have no energy.  I want to read but can't seem to stay awake, regardless of the venue.  I want to go to coffee with friends, but can't seem to get motivated to even call them.  I want to finish some big projects, but can't seem to focus my mind for more than thirty seconds.  I want to blog more - to purge some of what's on my heart - but can't seem to create lucid thought.  I want to talk to friends or family back in the states, but can't seem to even open Skype for fear of having nothing to say.  Emotionally & Spiritually - I'm drained.  I've spent the last four and a half years pouring my heart out on students and local friends, all the while attempting to maintain some semblance of relationship with friends and family in the US.  I've sent out countless updates about my life and been completely crushed to only receive 3 or 4 responses from the 598 people that receive it.  I've felt alone and abandoned and at times loved and cherished.  And though I have prayed and stayed in the Word, I am just depleted.  I'm in a constant haze.

I would love to wake up one morning and see clearly, breathe clearly, function clearly and I am believing for that day to come quickly.  So until then, I'll make doctors appointments and sit in uncomfortable places to read.  I'll force myself to walk up and down the stairs in my house and trade in motorbike rides for good long walks.  I'll reread the sweet and encouraging emails I've received from friends and my loving parents.  I'll make small, but manageable deadlines for projects and load my Entourage with task reminders.  And I'll do what we all do - plug along in the haze until the clarity comes.  Sigh...