My hope for Haiti, pt. 2.

There are thousands of aid organizations and missions in this city.  And daily, crews of people are showing up wanting to help.  All of that sounds really great, but I'm realizing that perhaps it isn't.  One aid organization outside of the city has acres and acres of free land for people to move to and set up a life, but many won't go.  "We're going to stay here and maybe some white people will come to rebuild our house," they say.  From what I've gathered, there are so many organizations offering aid to the people there that many are content to never do anything...ever.  In their minds, they are entitled to help and will wait, sometimes belligerently, for it.  Some are highly motivated, hard working people, but far more want a handout.  And have lived their entire lives that way.  And since the quake, relief and handouts have come in droves and the people are waiting to be taken care of.  (This is not to say that every need has been met and that the system of getting aid to the people is perfect.  It's not.  But that's a different blog post for a different day.)

I believe in meeting people's physical needs and I believe that God's word tells us to care for orphans and feed the hungry.  I believe Jesus when He said that whatever we do to "the least of these" we will have done unto Him.  And Haiti is full of the least, there's no doubt.  Tent cities are brimming with people; wealthier neighbors now have as many as 50 people camped in their yards.  There is no electricity in most of the city and the water is not safe to drink.  Rivers of feces run next to makeshift beds.  Thousands upon thousands are going hungry every day.  People have lost homes, jobs, livelihoods, family members.  There is no shortage of need and suffering here.  And I want to help - I must.  But what is the best way?

I believe also in the idea that you can give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  But if you teach the man to fish, he can eat for a lifetime.  And I'm beginning to see how important that kind of thinking is going to be for the Haitian people.  Obviously, there are some very urgent needs right now and hunger is one of them.  And an entire country of starving people can't be taught to fish overnight.  I'm not saying their immediate needs should be ignored.  But I do believe that the Haitian people are resilient and capable and after a time should be able to begin restoring their lives, and for many that means figuring out how to feed their families.  There are many saying that farms should be established outside the city as a means to lure people away from the overpopulated capital.  This would solve several problems - hunger (as they'd be growing their own food), unemployment (as many people would be required to work the farm), and crowding in the city.  However, the land is so depleted from a heritage of terrible farming practices that nothing can be grown.  Crops will fail in this dead soil.  As I talked to a Haitian friend here, I mentioned that perhaps there were farmers from the States that could come and teach the local people good farming practices, thus increasing their crop and their revenue.  She laughed.  "They'll never want to do it your way," she said.  And that seems to be the general consensus.

So how do we help?  If we raise money to build houses or come down to build them, how do we choose who to help first?  Do we require the people to participate in the building of their house?  Do we require that they pay something, eve if it is very little, so that they have ownership of their new homes?  (Habitat for Humanities has been using the concept of "sweat equity" in their organization for years and has found that people take better care of and are actually grateful for a home they participated in building - ownership removes that feeling of entitlement.)  How do we invest in something bigger?  How do we help to restore the lives of people who have never really had anything?  How do we show them that there is something more than their current situation?  These are important questions that I don't have answers to today.  But I guarantee you this - God is big and good and He is already moving.  We don't have to recreate the wheel.  As soon as God shows me where He wants us to participate in the work that He is already doing, I'm going for it.  After all, I can do something.  And I should.

My hope for Haiti, pt. 1.

Flying into Port Au Prince, six weeks after the quake that changed a nation forever, my heart beat out of my chest – not so much for the anticipation of the visual explosion that awaited me, but for the urgency in my spirit, an urgency I wasn’t sure existed.  My seat partner on the plane had already sensed my heaviness – he said, “wow, you just look…burdened” and in truth, I was glad at his observation.  Although I’ve been able, as anyone, to acknowledge the tragedy and it’s implications for Haitian people, I have felt very disconnected and somewhat unfeeling.  I understand the irony there, but at this stage in my “healing and resting” process, I’m still a little unsure of what will come out of my mouth or heart at any point.  It’s bizarre.  So someone else’s observation of what I’m clearly feeling was a comfort and confirmation rather than a frustration or acknowledgment of weakness.

Haiti has been in the news with decreasing frequency over the last few weeks and while World Vision and the Red Cross are still obviously deeply invested in restoration of this island nation, many people have already moved on.  I’ve been deeply convicted for the Body of Christ over how quick we are to move on from devastation and/or our involvement in it.  We are so easily distracted.  It’s not that we’re vindictive or maliciously denying aid to our fellow world inhabitants.  It’s that we are so very easily distracted.  Anything will suffice to steal our attention and shift our focus from the task at hand.  It’s happened with Haiti, it’s happened with taking the Gospel of Jesus to unreached people.  We are just…distracted.  My friend likened it to his 5 year old.  When asked to take her plate to the kitchen, she has every intention of doing so.  But between the living room and the kitchen, the smallest movement or flash of excitement lures her and weeks later, the plate is found in her bedroom closet.  How did she get so far away from the kitchen, where the plate so obviously goes?  Distraction.  We’re not so different.

Part of my desire in coming to Haiti this time is to understand my role in this tragedy and develop ways for us to stay engaged.  It will be terribly easy for us to get distracted by whatever sparkly thing the news shows us or our work or families take us to.  But the reality is that there are Haitian people with no food, no shelter, no water and this situation isn’t going to change overnight.  We are so rich and they are so poor.  We have so much, yet we are so quick to hold onto what is ours that we can’t give what is essentially life to our neighbors in Haiti?  Shame on us.

"I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something.

What I can do, that I ought to do.

And what I ought to do, by the grace of God, I shall do."

- Edward Everett Hale

I am only one.  But with you, we are two.  We can’t do everything, but we can do something.  We ought to.  And by God’s grace we shall.

My haze.

Have you ever felt like you're moving, speaking, eating, working in a haze?  Like you know that life is happening all around you but somehow, you can't engage it?  Like you realize that all it might take to get out of it might be one small change but you just can't find the energy to do it?   My haze has been going for several weeks now and I can't decide how to get out.  There are some major changes coming to my life but right now I'm in a holding pattern.  With no students this semester, there is still much work to do but also plenty of time for reflection and waxing philosophical - something I'm doing far too much of it would seem.  But my haze seems to be deep and real, as opposed to shallow and quick like they usually are.

I am completely and totally exhausted - in every possible way.  Physically - I've been sick for the better part of a year.  Most of it hasn't been huge, life-altering sickness.  But chronic sinusitis and ear infection number 7 (which I was diagnosed with this week) make for a weak girl.  I want to work out but I literally have no energy.  I want to read but can't seem to stay awake, regardless of the venue.  I want to go to coffee with friends, but can't seem to get motivated to even call them.  I want to finish some big projects, but can't seem to focus my mind for more than thirty seconds.  I want to blog more - to purge some of what's on my heart - but can't seem to create lucid thought.  I want to talk to friends or family back in the states, but can't seem to even open Skype for fear of having nothing to say.  Emotionally & Spiritually - I'm drained.  I've spent the last four and a half years pouring my heart out on students and local friends, all the while attempting to maintain some semblance of relationship with friends and family in the US.  I've sent out countless updates about my life and been completely crushed to only receive 3 or 4 responses from the 598 people that receive it.  I've felt alone and abandoned and at times loved and cherished.  And though I have prayed and stayed in the Word, I am just depleted.  I'm in a constant haze.

I would love to wake up one morning and see clearly, breathe clearly, function clearly and I am believing for that day to come quickly.  So until then, I'll make doctors appointments and sit in uncomfortable places to read.  I'll force myself to walk up and down the stairs in my house and trade in motorbike rides for good long walks.  I'll reread the sweet and encouraging emails I've received from friends and my loving parents.  I'll make small, but manageable deadlines for projects and load my Entourage with task reminders.  And I'll do what we all do - plug along in the haze until the clarity comes.  Sigh...

My new blog layout.

In a further fit of blog avoidance, I spent several moments (read: more than an hour) looking at new blog layouts. I scoured several sites, trying to work out some major issues: "What kind of tone do I want to set? What do I want my readers to think upon arrival to my blog? Who am I trying to impress? Who am I really?" As you can see, it led me to more pondering and not so much of the blog changing.

However, after much debate and several changes of HTML (I do love to cut and paste), I settled on this one. You might recognize it as the same one I had before. And that's because it is. I decided it worked for me. Peaceful, whimsical, dreamy, simple, easy. "Why the post about it?" you ask? I decided that I'm not that different from anyone else and some days all I can muster up is some mindless internet surfing and a lame blog post. As for witty anecdotes and soulful life evaluation, they're coming.

I told you I might be bad at this.

My hot mess.

I am a mess. I'm ok with it, honestly. I have come to realize in the past few years that not only am I a mess, but I am not unique in my mess. The main difference between me and most other people I know is that I can see (most of) my mess and fully embrace it. Most people do not and I totally get it. It is so much easier to live in blissful oblivion. It is so much easier to think that everything is great and that "I don't do any of the major sins so everything's cool, right?" Well maybe it is and maybe it isn't. But that isn't exactly the point. The point is, we all struggle, we all fail. The sooner we reach a place where we accept that we are flawed and constantly on a journey to something better for ourselves, the sooner we will experience the fullness of relationship with each other and with God.

As I've shared my failures and struggles with people over the past few years, I have been amazed by the amount of times I've heard comments like "wow, you're so self-aware" or "You're so at peace with who you are." Well...yeah. I guess so. I don't think it has to do with being enlightened or even lacking self-consciousness. (I'm a woman. I'm self-conscious about some things. It's what we do.) It's just that life is too short to not embrace who I am. I am not a million things that I want to be. But I am also so much that I didn't know I was. Every day, when I'm challenged by something, I get to find out about something else I can do or that I might just be good at, mostly because I'm not scared anymore about what I'll find. I'll either be good at it or I won't. I guess that's it - I'm not so self-evolved that I love everything about myself. I'm just not scared of me anymore. I'm a mess and I know it.

I have so many issues and I could list them here and feel fine about it - not because I'm proud of them, but because I know who I am and whose I am. I am a child of the King and I am redeemed. And while I do not do it on purpose, the more of a mess I am, the more Jesus gets to save me. He's amazing at it and it seems that no matter how hard I try, I'm constantly in need of saving. And He is such a good saviour!

Most of us like to pretend that we aren't a mess. It's just not true. And so many of us use our issues as an excuse not to pursue the opportunities that lie before us. Anyone ever heard the "I really need to work some issues out before I can really be in a relationship" excuse? My response: "While I'm sure that you have issues, I'm also sure that I do too. Want someone to walk beside you in your mess? I'll be there. You hold my hand and I'll hold yours - we can walk together." Anyone ever heard the "As soon as I get my mess together, I'll [insert dream or passion here]" from someone? Ever used it yourself? My response: "If you're waiting until you've gotten everything figured out and everything 'fixed' you will wait forever. It's not because you are a bad person. It's just that you aren't Jesus. You are not, nor will you ever be, perfect. Don't wait. Just do it." These responses don't make sense to some people and do not make me popular in some circles. But they are the truth, as far as I can tell.

And what about community? Aren't we supposed to share our mess with each other and help each other walk through the pain and immaturity and fear and joy and struggle together? Isn't that why we were created? I don't care about so-and-so's cute shoes or even the global recession. I want to talk about YOU. You are important to me. The things that are going on in your life matter to me and when you share your mess with me, I'm not burdened. I'm honored that you picked me to tell. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one with a mess! I'm so glad that I know that you have struggled through that thing I'm going to deal with in 4 years and don't even know about yet - I'll be back to talk to you about it then. I'm so glad that all of the crap I've been through over the past two years can encourage you to grab hold of what is beautiful in your life right now, because I learned that painful two-year lesson already. This is not where judgment lives. This is not where condemnation lives. This, dear friends, is community. This, dear friends, is what we were made for. This, dear friends, is the Body of Christ, the fellowship of believers. This is good.

The truth is that life is messy. Our expectation of ourselves and others should be that we are all a mess and that the only thing that is lovely or wonderful within us is Christ. I'm a hot mess. A hot, stinkin', flamin' pile of mess. And He loves me. And so do I.

My reusable shopping bags.

This is why I try hard not to accept plastic bags from any vendor at any time:
This is my neighbor's yard. I estimate that there are approximately 4 jillion
plastic bags there. This is only a third of the yard.

I implore you, please stop using these horrible bags. They are
terrible for our world. Reusable shopping bags are cute and cheap.
They come in every fabric, color and with a variety of logos and sizes.
God gave us an extraordinarily gorgeous planet and we are ruining it.
Do we want our world to end up looking
like my neighbor's yard? NO!
Do something small today for our planet. Be a good steward of the earth
that God is letting us live on.

Reusable instead of plastic, please.

My issue with self-help books.

Just knowing this book exists makes me want to cuss. I saw it in a bookstore in Bangkok last week and almost cried...not because I'm not in love, but because this is the kind of book that makes people hate love. This is the kind of book that trivializes something beautiful and makes normal people do crazy things. Have you seen He's Just Not That Into You? Did you see the insane lengths the girl went to to hook her man? Oh, the obsession. It's because of books and movies and messages from every side telling us there is a gimmick to finding love. And before I address the gimmick, let me say this quickly before I explode:

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU (ME) JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE (I AM) SINGLE.

I refuse to play the role of the bitter, single girl because I'm not bitter. I really love my life. Sure, there are days that I really struggle with wanting to be married. But I'm not bitter. Truly. What I am is sick of being treated as if my life is not valuable because I'm not in a long term relationship. I'm exhausted from trying to explain to people why I'm 31 and not married. (The answer, in case you were wondering, is "I don't know why I am single any more than I know why you are married.") And if I have to hear one more person say something to the effect of "As soon as you stop looking, you'll find him" or "When you get to the place where you're OK with being single, he'll show up", I will scream. I realize these comments are meant to be an encouragement, but they are not. They are maddening. And almost everyone says things like this as a married and cusses people that say it as a single. I have a girlfriend who always complained about people doing that to her. She was livid every time. Two months after she got married, guess what she said to me. Uh huh.

Here's the thing...are you ready for the divine revelation? There is no trick, scheme, or ploy to make love happen. There are no cool patterns or legitimate 12-step programs to follow. There is not a single book in the self-help section of any bookstore that will help you create love. I do not know why some people find love and others do not. I have no idea why some people meet the love of their life in the seventh grade and others in their 50s. I haven't got a clue why sometimes even people who believe they are in love do not end up together. But though I am single and have not been in a relationship in six years, I still love love. I am a lover. I love hard and fast and full. And I want to get married, to share my life with someone. But it's not a game.

I stood in a room a few years ago with 1200 single people for a Christmas party. I couldn't believe it, honestly. I watched for several hours as women and men in their 20s, 30s and 40s prowled the room in search of their next date. I've never seen so much hair twirling, lip gloss applying, lame joke telling, or blatant flirting going on in all of my life. But at the end of the night, there were still 1200 single people. And it got me to thinking...what is the matter with us??? We've made it so hard! We approach potential mates with our checklist in hand, ready to dismiss them as soon as they don't live up to the impossible standard we have applied to "The One." Did it ever occur to us that we, ourselves, could never possibly live up to that same standard?

"Dear God, I'll have a tall, super hot man with kinda dirty hair, kind of rocker-style, and intense eyes. He needs to be incredibly spiritual, while not being boring or judgmental. He should play the guitar, sing like Josh Groban and will obviously serenade me to sleep each night with original love songs he will compose daily because he'll be so entranced by my beauty. He must be hysterical, but not needy in his humor - every one will love him and I'll beam with pride as he takes the center of attention in any room. I'm sure he'll want to travel the world, helping the poor, oppressed and sick and he'll never want any praise. He'll, of course, be independently wealthy, but very down-to-earth. He'll write me poetry and be the best father in the world. Oh, and he will have to dance. Oh oh, and cook. And do laundry. And..."

NO NO NO NO NO!!! I am not these things. Well, I may be some of these things but why do we do this to each other? We are so attached to the idea of what we do or do not want in a person that we probably wouldn't even know it if something great, if not unexpected, was staring us in the face. We all decide what we want and we call it independence or confidence or any number of other seemingly positive, but often negative, words. What's wrong with depending on other people? Maybe there's a point where confidence in ourselves blinds us to the greatness in others? But if I'm looking for Mr. Perfect, I'm never going to find him. What might happen if I (read: we) stopped listening to the negative messages all around me? What if I stopped acknowledging the insane voice in my head that forces me to obsess over a phone call or what I'll wear to a party in case "The One" might be there? What if I was actually open to the possibility that love is all around me (Go watch Love Actually immediately!) and that I, in fact, might be my own worse enemy in this scenario? What if it's me that is afraid to commit, only I don't know it because I push people away so that I don't have to end things? What if I am the one with baggage from relationships past? What if I am so terrified of being fully known and loved unconditionally by another human being that I am the one sabotaging everything that comes my way because it's safer to be single than vulnerable or worse...known? We are all a mess and acknowledging that is so important to loving and being loved. We can't expect perfection from others - we don't expect it from ourselves. Nor can we expect members of the opposite sex to complete us in any way, though many of us do. (By this I mean that many people believe they will be happy, fulfilled, safe, secure, confident, etc. once they finally get married. Maybe that's a blog for another day.) There are aspects of loving flawed people that are difficult. But love in general just isn't supposed to be this hard.

Love is patient, kind. It doesn't get jealous or arrogant - it isn't proud. Love isn't rude or self-seeking and it doesn't get mad easily. It doesn't keep a list of wrongs. Love rejoices in truth, not evil (aka. self-help books preying on innocent, albeit misguided, men and women who just want to not be alone). It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Not this kind anyway. I love love. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I believe in love and want it and love love. Really.


* I also love the use of italics.