My issue with self-help books.

Just knowing this book exists makes me want to cuss. I saw it in a bookstore in Bangkok last week and almost cried...not because I'm not in love, but because this is the kind of book that makes people hate love. This is the kind of book that trivializes something beautiful and makes normal people do crazy things. Have you seen He's Just Not That Into You? Did you see the insane lengths the girl went to to hook her man? Oh, the obsession. It's because of books and movies and messages from every side telling us there is a gimmick to finding love. And before I address the gimmick, let me say this quickly before I explode:

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU (ME) JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE (I AM) SINGLE.

I refuse to play the role of the bitter, single girl because I'm not bitter. I really love my life. Sure, there are days that I really struggle with wanting to be married. But I'm not bitter. Truly. What I am is sick of being treated as if my life is not valuable because I'm not in a long term relationship. I'm exhausted from trying to explain to people why I'm 31 and not married. (The answer, in case you were wondering, is "I don't know why I am single any more than I know why you are married.") And if I have to hear one more person say something to the effect of "As soon as you stop looking, you'll find him" or "When you get to the place where you're OK with being single, he'll show up", I will scream. I realize these comments are meant to be an encouragement, but they are not. They are maddening. And almost everyone says things like this as a married and cusses people that say it as a single. I have a girlfriend who always complained about people doing that to her. She was livid every time. Two months after she got married, guess what she said to me. Uh huh.

Here's the thing...are you ready for the divine revelation? There is no trick, scheme, or ploy to make love happen. There are no cool patterns or legitimate 12-step programs to follow. There is not a single book in the self-help section of any bookstore that will help you create love. I do not know why some people find love and others do not. I have no idea why some people meet the love of their life in the seventh grade and others in their 50s. I haven't got a clue why sometimes even people who believe they are in love do not end up together. But though I am single and have not been in a relationship in six years, I still love love. I am a lover. I love hard and fast and full. And I want to get married, to share my life with someone. But it's not a game.

I stood in a room a few years ago with 1200 single people for a Christmas party. I couldn't believe it, honestly. I watched for several hours as women and men in their 20s, 30s and 40s prowled the room in search of their next date. I've never seen so much hair twirling, lip gloss applying, lame joke telling, or blatant flirting going on in all of my life. But at the end of the night, there were still 1200 single people. And it got me to thinking...what is the matter with us??? We've made it so hard! We approach potential mates with our checklist in hand, ready to dismiss them as soon as they don't live up to the impossible standard we have applied to "The One." Did it ever occur to us that we, ourselves, could never possibly live up to that same standard?

"Dear God, I'll have a tall, super hot man with kinda dirty hair, kind of rocker-style, and intense eyes. He needs to be incredibly spiritual, while not being boring or judgmental. He should play the guitar, sing like Josh Groban and will obviously serenade me to sleep each night with original love songs he will compose daily because he'll be so entranced by my beauty. He must be hysterical, but not needy in his humor - every one will love him and I'll beam with pride as he takes the center of attention in any room. I'm sure he'll want to travel the world, helping the poor, oppressed and sick and he'll never want any praise. He'll, of course, be independently wealthy, but very down-to-earth. He'll write me poetry and be the best father in the world. Oh, and he will have to dance. Oh oh, and cook. And do laundry. And..."

NO NO NO NO NO!!! I am not these things. Well, I may be some of these things but why do we do this to each other? We are so attached to the idea of what we do or do not want in a person that we probably wouldn't even know it if something great, if not unexpected, was staring us in the face. We all decide what we want and we call it independence or confidence or any number of other seemingly positive, but often negative, words. What's wrong with depending on other people? Maybe there's a point where confidence in ourselves blinds us to the greatness in others? But if I'm looking for Mr. Perfect, I'm never going to find him. What might happen if I (read: we) stopped listening to the negative messages all around me? What if I stopped acknowledging the insane voice in my head that forces me to obsess over a phone call or what I'll wear to a party in case "The One" might be there? What if I was actually open to the possibility that love is all around me (Go watch Love Actually immediately!) and that I, in fact, might be my own worse enemy in this scenario? What if it's me that is afraid to commit, only I don't know it because I push people away so that I don't have to end things? What if I am the one with baggage from relationships past? What if I am so terrified of being fully known and loved unconditionally by another human being that I am the one sabotaging everything that comes my way because it's safer to be single than vulnerable or worse...known? We are all a mess and acknowledging that is so important to loving and being loved. We can't expect perfection from others - we don't expect it from ourselves. Nor can we expect members of the opposite sex to complete us in any way, though many of us do. (By this I mean that many people believe they will be happy, fulfilled, safe, secure, confident, etc. once they finally get married. Maybe that's a blog for another day.) There are aspects of loving flawed people that are difficult. But love in general just isn't supposed to be this hard.

Love is patient, kind. It doesn't get jealous or arrogant - it isn't proud. Love isn't rude or self-seeking and it doesn't get mad easily. It doesn't keep a list of wrongs. Love rejoices in truth, not evil (aka. self-help books preying on innocent, albeit misguided, men and women who just want to not be alone). It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Not this kind anyway. I love love. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I believe in love and want it and love love. Really.


* I also love the use of italics.